Authenticity

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Authenticity is also hard. What you feel and want can clash with your self-concept! “Oh, my, no! I don’t want to hurt my partner because they hurt me!” (Ya just might. Welcome to being human, eh?) Taking action that’s in sync with your desires can clash with other things that are important to you, such as your morals or your self-concept. How do you sort it out?

Example of Being Authentic vs. Inauthentic

Let’s look at an example of the costs and benefits of being authentic:

As your birthday has gotten closer, your partner has been asking more questions about a gizmo you’ve been craving to use in your beloved hobby. You’re not surprised when the amazing gizmo shows up on your birthday, but you’re surprised and disappointed when you realize it’s not what you’d described at all. This gizmo won’t work for your situation, so it’s destined to be a large, expensive paperweight (all the worse since you hardly use paper anymore).

An inauthentic response that might protect your self-concept (nice, polite person!) and your partner’s feelings would be to gush over the present and then work really hard for the rest of the relationship to hide how useless the gizmo is to you and how it feels to have had multiple conversations about the gizmo, then to realize your partner hasn’t “gotten it” at all, maybe leading to resentment about not being heard.

So does being authentic mean you have to be unappreciative and rude? Nope. A key part to being authentic and connected with people is tact. An authentic process might involve noticing both your appreciation and your disappointment and expressing them tactfully, e.g., “Thank you. I know how hard you worked to ferret out the info from me and to figure out the exact gizmo I was dreaming of. Thank you, really. Sad to say, the much-coveted, fantasy gizmo is really specific and different from this one, so I wonder if we could exchange it for the exact thingamajiggy. And thank you again—I know you tried to figure out the nerdy, secret world of gizmos just for my sake, which was super sweet of you.”

Do you need to express your disappointment to be authentic? Depends. If the disappointment is just the generic “I didn’t get quite what I wanted,” probably not. You’ll be collaborating with your partner to get the exact gizmo you desired. But if the disappointment is in your partner rather than the gizmo, maybe you do need to express it.

For example, if your main reaction isn’t about the gizmo, but about your partner’s extensive pattern of not understanding you and maybe not even trying very hard, then acting authentically would involve acknowledging the main disappointment. That—much harder—conversation can still be done tactfully, and I heartily recommend the tactful approach!

For example, maybe at first you have the “Whoops, not the exact thingamajiggy” conversation, then in another calm moment, you bring up the communication pattern, referencing the gift example.

Ignoring the communication pattern and your disappointment / resentment will undercut the connection with your partner over time, so the hard work of acting authentically is quite important.

Let’s go back to the example of desiring to hurt your partner because they hurt you. It’s a real desire, and you can act on it, but if you’re in touch with yourself, you may be able to find desires that are even closer to your core. For example, you may also authentically desire being connected to your partner. Once you realize a desire that’s more important to you, you can focus on how to get what you really want, maybe by talking to your partner assertively, rather than hurting them.

Authenticity Is Worth the Costs

Sharing either kind of disappointment will be hard work, but the payoffs are likely to include a gift that you actually appreciate and a relationship that you appreciate instead of the big paperweight and suppressed resentment. A life that takes the harder road of authenticity is a life that’s more alive, energized, and connected. There’s more life in that life.

Learning to be increasingly authentic has been very important to me in my life—learning to notice what’s going on inside and to act on it as much as respect and the law allow. I’ve seen it make a big difference in my clients’ lives as well. I don’t think it’s possible to be 100% aware of what we feel and want nor to act in sync with that awareness 100% of the time, but I do think we can be as authentic as our self-awareness and a dash of tact allow. Authenticity isn’t easy, but it’s deeply worth the effort.

Thanks for taking a minute to think about it with me! Best wishes on your journey.