Deep Change
Deep change goes beyond symptom relief. Once we uncover the needs and patterns that drive our struggles, we can create alternatives that last—bringing not just short-term fixes, but lifelong freedom and health.
An Example of Deep Change
Let’s say two people want to quit smoking. We could focus on The Most Empirically Validated Method for Quitting Smoking, treating both people the same … or we could dig into what needs the smoking is meeting for each person (probably more than one need, but maybe there’s a main one for each person). Susie Q, let’s say, smokes mostly because it soothes her anxiety. The nicotine calms her, and she loves having something physical to fidget with. If we did the above Method, we might get her off of cigarettes–a big win–but she wouldn’t reap other benefits, and I personally would worry about her relapsing. If we do the Method and figure out where her anxiety comes from (let’s say pervasive insecurity coupled with worries she’s not good enough for her job), we can help her to quit smoking and to be more comfortable in her own skin, which will pay off throughout her entire lifetime. Deep change, substantial and lasting. Someone else might have a main issue of identity: “I have a straight job and everything, but I kind of like of thinking of myself as a rebel, and smoking says that I’m a little bit of a ‘bad boy.’ If I quit, I’ll come of like one of those Goody Two Shoes people.” He’ll need some different approaches than Susie Q’s, obviously.
Patterns
If our behavior were random, there would be no field of psychology! We humans work in patterns, and some of those patterns are (a lot) more helpful than others. By looking at the patterns—not just one, single event—and by understanding how we developed those patterns, we become vastly more able to change the patterns.
Another Example of Deep Change
Lee (any similarity to real people is completely coincidental) has an obsessive streak. He likes to understand things, analyze them, bring then into some kind of order. Since life is messy—especially a lot of the best stuff—he sometimes finds himself being ineffective. For example, when his wife asked him to share with her what he loves about her, he emailed her a spreadsheet, which didn’t pan out so well. Huh. So, first we work on understanding how the obsessive pattern has helped him (yes, helped him), then on how it has hurt him and what the better alternatives might be (“Okay, so not a spreadsheet …. I guess I could ….”). The old pattern may still be useful at times, but it’s a huge win to create some alternatives and to lessen the compulsion to do the old pattern. It’s like going from a car that has one gear—kinda useful—to one that has six forward gears and one reverse—very useful.
If we’re really going deep, we also explore how and why the pattern was built: was his childhood home out of control, so that he coped by creating control via his superpower, the intellect? Of maybe the opposite—were his parents obsessive, so he grew up thinking it was catastrophic to make any kind of mistake? Finding the origins of patterns can make it easier to see them as something that’s been given to you instead of as a part of you.
When Does Deep Change Happen?
Theoretically, we’re capable of deep change at any moment. Realistically, growth is usually incremental, gradual. The time when we’re more capable of rapid and big change is when we fall apart. Wait–isn’t that a bad thing? Sure, falling apart sucks. But that’s when we’re most able to rebuild in a healthier way. I pretty much never hear from clients that “…things are going well, but I want to overhaul my life.”
As cheesy as it sounds, when you find yourself torn down, you can know that it’s also an opportunity for big, positive change, for rebuilding in ways that are better for you individually and for your relationships.
Summary–Deep Change
So, by that snazzy term “deep change,” I mean change that addresses patterns and often causes and creates alternatives. I also mean the kind of change that tends to be sustainable for the rest of your life. We all have coping strategies and patterns that help us navigate life … and help us wander off course as well! Experience tells me it’s quite possible to upgrade our game, whether we’re young pups or old dogs. We can learn new tricks.