Narcissism

---

Let’s look briefly at several aspects of narcissism:

• What Is Narcissism?
• What Does Narcissism Look Like?
• Can a Narcissist Get Better?
• How to Heal from Narcissism
• Narcissistic Abuse / Loved Ones of Narcissists
• Cultural Narcissism

What Is Narcissism?

Narcissism is coping with one’s insecurities by disavowing one’s ordinariness and flaws and focusing inordinately on one’s special qualities. It’s not something you are or aren’t, despite the convenience of the label “narcissist”; it’s something most people do, but some people do a great deal more than others.

What Narcissism Isn’t

There’s been a lot of emphasis lately on the lack of empathy that can occur with narcissism. I want to clarify briefly that lack of empathy isn’t the central dynamic of narcissism. Lack of empathy can be due to many other causes, and some narcissistic people are actually quite good at empathy (not most). The “I’m special, therefore I’m not worthless” dynamic is the core, and lack of empathy is a fairly common side effect of the self-absorption and competitiveness of that core dynamic.

What Does Narcissism Look Like?

I think in terms of three common presentations:

1) The Big Daddy. Loud, attention-grabbing, power-grabbing, obvious. May be a fairly effective leader. This is probably the main stereotype, and for good reason.

2) The Charmer, also known as a “covert narcissist.” This person’s presentation is much smoother,  more charming or seductive, and they may actually be a great listener or very empathic, but inside they’re quite competitive and can be very manipulative.

3) The Smartest Person In The Room. I have had a lot of clients in tech who present this way, which is basically not presenting it at all! Then sit back and listen and take their time, but inside they’re very busy critiquing everything anyone’s saying and reassuring themselves that their take on it is much better. Their words will at times show the dynamic, but most of it typically stays under the surface. BTW, intelligence isn’t the only quality that can be used for this dynamic; it’s just a frequent one.

Some of the things they all have in common are the need to see themselves as impressive and special, disavowal of ordinariness and flaws, and high degrees of (hidden or obvious) competition.

Can a Narcissist Get Better? Can You Heal From Narcissism?

Yes. Do most narcissistic people heal from it? No. Do they even go to therapy? Not if they’re fairly severe, unless it’s to tell a couples therapist how they’re right and their partner’s wrong. Here’s the other pop psych misunderstanding that I’d like to clear up: if you Google “narcissism,” you’ll probably get a ton of hits about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a technical description for the most severe narcissists. Those folks are really not likely to seek therapy unless their whole coping strategy has collapsed, and even then, their goal typically will be to rebuild it, not further dismantle it. So, extreme narcissists generally don’t go to therapy or shift out of this coping strategy, but if you think of it as a thousand-point spectrum, plenty of people below 800 may indeed do some great healing. I’ve helped lots of them.

How To Heal From Narcissism

This deserves an entire book, but I’ll offer a few points in summary right now:

• Own up to using this strategy—being competitive with others, needing to see yourself as special and impressive, being intolerant of your ordinariness and flaws.
• Get some help. You can do it alone, but it’ll be vastly more effective with a therapist who has a specialization in recovery from narcissism.
• This may be surprising, but here it is: keep noticing your special qualities. What??? The goal is to see and accept all of you, not rejecting the ordinary, flawed, or even the magnificent parts.
• And … get very busy with that acceptance work. One aspect of this is cultivating a mindset that I think of as self-kindness.
• In parallel with the self-acceptance, start accepting the fullness of other people. Challenge yourself to realize that the standards you judge them by are largely arbitrary, and the whole point of the standards has been to rig the competition so you can tell yourself you’re better.
• Putting all that together, shift your view of humanity in general. You’ll have your version; I’ll offer you mine as a rough draft: yes, we all have endearing qualities, and we all have obnoxious ones; we’re all struggling to cope with our wounds, and often our coping strategies get pretty weird. As you shift from an implicit view of “People should be almost perfect” or “People should be like me” (in my very filtered view of myself) to “People are interesting and ragged, and we’re all trying to find a way to carry some heavy loads,” people—including you—will become a lot more interesting.
• Start showing your real self to people more often. I know, what does that even mean? You’ll spend the rest of your life dialing that in, and that’s okay. When you get a whiff of something that seems real, authentic, maybe vulnerable, not tryyying hard to be impressive, consider sharing that.
• Start practicing listening more.
• Build one, two, or three relationships with people in which you can show that emerging true self and not be slammed for it. Therapy’s good for this, but so are some regular relationships.
• Become an expert on the old, narcissistic thoughts and behaviors and then create substitutes. For example, instead of cracking a joke in your work meeting whenever you get bored (to get some attention), ask yourself the million dollar question of, “So, what happens when I’m craving attention? What are the old patterns? What would some new options be?” (You’ll space out on some of the meeting, but it may be worth it.)
• If and when you feel you have the strength to handle it—and ONLY if and when—ask some trusted people to give you feedback on when your narky part tends to leak out. You don’t have to label it as “narcissism” if you don’t want: you can say “ego” or “love of attention” or “competitiveness.”

Narcissistic Abuse / Loved Ones of Narcissists

Narcissistic people may be quite attractive because of their boldness, confidence, and talents, but the core dynamic of narcissism is opposed to connection with others. The more the person leans on the narcissistic coping strategy, the less available they can be for a health relationship.

The pressure to see oneself as special is pressure to see oneself as better than, and after the initial phases of a relationship, the narcissistic person typically needs to be win or beat you, which can be accomplished either by focusing on their being special (somewhat annoying) or on your being inferior (potentially soul-crushing!).

A lot of men have somewhat fragile egos, but if you’re close to someone who has an usually fragile one, you may need to protect yourself. As usual, you have two big moves at your disposal: leaning in and leaning out. You can try both.

Leaning in can mean talking to the person about what you perceive and asking them to think about it. I say “think about it” because their defenses may not let them “get it” or admit it right away; they may need a bit. You don’t have to mention “narcissism”; you can talk about “ego” or “pride” or “competitiveness.” You can frame it in whatever way you think they’re most likely to be able to hear. 

Leaning out means protecting yourself by pulling back from the relationship. If leaning in doesn’t get the results you want, you’re down to leaning out. Sigh. So, for example, being less vulnerable, depending on them less, making them less central in your life. If they complain or ask what’s going on, that’s another opportunity to explain why you’re doing it, but if they still can’t see past their defenses to own the narcissistic patterns, it may be best to quit trying until something else shifts, bring new hope. Sigh again.

Should I Wait For My Narcissistic Partner to Change?

If they’re serious about changing, maybe so. If not, no. The default is that people stay the same. For you to believe they’re likely to change, you’ll need to see every one of these things from your loved one:

• I acknowledge there’s a problem.
• I acknowledge I’ve caused at least part of it.
• I’m willing to make amends.
• I’m willing to change those patterns.
• I have a plan for changing.
• Optional, but very helpful: I’m getting help outside of myself.
• I commit to the plan and follow it for a long period of time.

Don’t believe in vague statements about “I need to change, and I will because I love you.” That’s a great start, but it doesn’t speak to a plan, and even a plan is just tentative until it’s followed for a long while. So hold out for real change.

My favorite book for loved ones of narcissistic people is The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, by Eleanor Payson. Some of the others only address the most extreme cases and deny any possibility of healing.

Cultural Narcissism

One reason it can be hard to detect narcissism quickly and clearly is it’s baked into our culture (American, that is). “We’re #1!” We tend to assume we’re better than the rest of the world, even when there’s overwhelming evidence to the contrary about a particular issue.

American men are at least allowed a narcissistic streak and often even encouraged to have one: be the best, be #1, etc. In this context, being competitive rather than collaborative and individualistic rather than communal is “normal.”

In this context, I suggest we not waste time with “Am I narcissistic?” but move right along to the more useful question of “How often and how hard do I rely on narcissistic coping strategies?” Think of narcissism on a thousand-point scale that we’re all on, not as a Yes-No diagnostic checklist.

So, culture can normalize the separateness, competitiveness, and lack of connection and collaboration that come with narcissism.

Summary—Narcissism

Narcissism is coping with insecurity with a paradoxical burst of hyper-security: not only am I not insecure, I’m amazing, and my poop doesn’t stink! It can lead to lack of empathy, and it limits connection. The more narcissistic a person is, the more likely they are to hurt someone in an intimate relationship, intentionally or not.

While extreme cases generally don’t seek therapy or heal, narcissistic people can and do at times achieve healing from the wounds that led to this coping pattern and growth into more useful coping strategies. It’s possible to keep the useful parts—boldness, confidence, etc. —while replacing the problematic parts with more direct and healthier ways to cope with life’s inevitable challenges. I hope you or your loved one get to experience those changes!