Self-Kindness: How Being Nicer to Yourself Changes Everything
Self-kindness means treating yourself the way you’d treat someone you truly care about. It helps you feel more comfortable in your own skin, have better relationships, and even be more productive.
Table of Contents
- What Is Self-Kindness?
- Self-Kindness vs. Self-Esteem
- Does Self-Kindness Make You Self-Absorbed?
- Does Self-Kindness Hurt or Help Performance?
- How to Practice Self-Kindness
- Summary and Next Steps
What Is Self-Kindness?
Self-kindness is an attitude you have toward yourself. It’s a mindset, an orientation, that leads to smart choices and good feelings. I believe self-kindness and good relationships are the most important things we can have for a happy, healthy psyche.
American culture often pulls us in two opposite directions: “Be Number One!”—the competitive message—and “Be selfless; that’s virtuous!”—the self-neglecting one. Neither works very well.
Self-kindness isn’t ego or laziness; it’s respect for yourself paired with actions that help you. Imagine if the voice that’s running in your head 24/7 were encouraging instead of critical—someone who helps you learn from mistakes, celebrates wins, and offers comfort when things go badly. Life works a lot better when you’re good to the person you spend all your time with: yourself!
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Esteem
People often confuse self-kindness with self-esteem. Self-esteem says, “I’m valuable because I’m good at something.” Self-kindness says, “I’m important to myself, period.”
Picture an archetypal mother figure at her kid’s soccer game. When the kid scores, she hugs them and says, “That’s great! I love you!” When the kid misses spectacularly, same hug: “That sucks! I love you.” The warmth isn’t based on performance—it’s constant. You can still critique yourself—you just don’t have to be mean about it.
Think of self-kindness as a lifetime decision: “I’m going to be nice to myself from now on.” Ahhh.
Does Self-Kindness Make You Self-Absorbed?
Not at all. When you’re kind to yourself, there’s less inner noise. That frees up attention for other people.
Put the other way around: self-hating people often hurt people badly. And calm, supported people often radiate calm and support. Practicing self-kindness makes you more available for other people, not less because you’re not distracted by an internal civil war.
Does Self-Kindness Hurt or Help Performance?
Many people fear they’ll get “soft” if they stop being harsh. I don’t. Growing up playing sports in Texas, I saw plenty of coaches try to motivate with shame. One actually screamed at a kid, “You are nothing!” I doubt that kid had the bandwidth to focus on “How do I fix my technique?” when his worth was taking that kind of beating.
My one coach who was kind but appropriately critical—yeah, only one—got much better results.
Kindness + critique = growth.
Harshness + critique = shame and paralysis.
How to Practice Self-Kindness
Ready to try it? Here are a few ways to build the habit:
Make a clear commitment
Say it out loud: “I’m going to be kind to myself, starting today.” It’s easier to follow through on a decision you’ve named explicitly.
Set small, daily intentions
Ask, “What would being nice to myself look like today?” Maybe it’s packing lunch, noticing what you have done, or just taking five minutes to breathe. Maybe it’s jumping on that scary project you need to get done or having a difficult conversation.
Upgrade your self-talk
Notice when your inner voice says, “Idiot!” or “That was stupid!” Try replacing it with something useful: “That didn’t work. Let’s try something else.”
Imagine a supportive figure
Some people picture a “Big Mama,” “Nice Coach,” or “Wise Friend.” Use whatever helps you tap into this wiser, more helpful perspective.
Combine achievement and enjoyment
Being kind doesn’t mean giving up achievement. It means not making your worth depend on it. You can still strive … and enjoy the process more. I see miserable people with piles of success and feel sad for them. Achieve what you want and be sure to enjoy your life. Self-kindness goes a long way toward that combination.
Summary and Next Steps
Self-kindness means treating yourself with respect and care, no matter what’s happening. When you practice it, you don’t lose your edge—you lose the self-criticism that dulls it.
If you’d like to feel more peaceful and be less harsh with yourself, try focusing on self-kindness!