Social Anxiety
Social anxiety can make connection feel terrifying, but it’s possible to ease the fears. By recognizing your strengths, practicing self-kindness, and building simple social skills, you can connect with more confidence and less anxiety.
I’ve collaborated with a lot of clients on becoming less socially anxious. I know you’re a unique person, but I’ve seen some patterns in the socially anxious people I’ve worked with, so I’ll lay those out as possibilities that we might explore, customized to your specific situation.
What Causes Social Anxiety?
I think people are wired to desire connection…but connecting with people is often extremely scary. Strange, right? In my experience, social interaction often brings up some of these very powerful issues, whether consciously or subconsciously:
Will they think badly of me, maybe even reject me?
If they do, does will it mean I’m worthless or unlovable?
Those are powerful fears. So, it seems safer to stay away from connection, especially with new people. But that “safety” eventually turns to isolation, which turns into depression or other forms of anxiety, boredom, loneliness….which are ultimately not safe, not fun, and not healthy. So, how do we get connection without an anxiety meltdown?
How To Reduce Social Anxiety
The problem often centers around not being enough—smart enough, funny enough, interesting enough, smooth enough, attractive enough, etc. The good news is that there are things we can do about those fears:
- Get clear on what you do have going for you. Write it down, even if you don’t find it impressive—what are some qualities you have (to some extent) that someone else might possibly enjoy, like, or respect? Not everyone—anyone.
- Find a way to hold on to those positive realizations. For most socially anxious people, boosting self-esteem is like pouring the good stuff into a mug with a big crack in the bottom: it’s great for a second, then you’re doubting yourself again. I ask your permission to push the mug metaphor pretty hard here…If you cultivate an attitude of kindness toward yourself, you can hold on to some of those positive beliefs about yourself, and they can do you some good. If you want to know more right now, you can read my article on self-kindness. For now: Self-esteem (positive beliefs about yourself), supported by a habit of treating yourself as important (self-kindness), does work, and it does help you to feel calmer and more secure about yourself as you approach new social situations. In sum, knowing what’s likable about you brings confidence, and cultivating a kind attitude toward yourself helps you hang on to the confidence.
- Refine some very specific social skills. Which ones will depend on what you fear most. For many people, conversation openers are extremely key. For others, it’s how to navigate the seemingly unstructured middle of a conversation. For others, it’s how to get out of a conversation without being seen as rude. For example, simply saying, “Well, I’m going to go get a drink / say Hi to my boss / run to the bathroom,” etc. is a completely socially acceptable way to end a conversation, and knowing this and practicing it a few times can knock out most of the fear of getting trapped in an uncomfortable situation. And having a few conversation starters goes a very long way toward making it easy to, well, start conversations!
Those are some things I’ve known to be helpful: realizing that you do have something to offer; practicing treating yourself like someone who’s worth something; and tweaking a few, very specific skills that will lessen your anxiety and make conversations flow better.